SmartGirl Internette presents...

We walked back to the bus stop holding hands, smiling that goofy smile I’ve only seen on other people’s faces when they’re in love. I knew this boy inside and out. He knew everything about me: my faults, my fears, my hopes, my dreams. He loved all of it. I loved all of him. Nothing could even be said between us; we just walked. We sat on the cold metal bus stop bench. I was barely aware of the cold numbing effect it had on my legs until I stood up.

I looked up, boldly, like I had never done before, at the face of a person sitting on the bus. I felt less inhibited and such bold eye contact was finally not unsettling. But the stranger on the bus looked far too familiar. She looked unkempt, lonely, and in despair. When I sat by her, Jena mumbled a nearly silent “hello.”

“Hey,” I replied, taking the empty seat next to her. Matt stumbled, a look of shock on his face, and sat down across from us.

“How you been, kid?” Jena asked like a distant relative. I stared down at the floor and couldn’t think of anything to say.

Nonetheless, I sighed, “OK.”

“Good. I didn’t think my leaving would be a big deal, and I was right. Judging by your new little boyfriend here, things couldn’t be better in the Family Land or with you. Right?”

At that moment, something completely new took over me. I snapped. I stood up on the bus and yelled, “How can you say that? You think your family is the one that’s been so selfish? How could you have just left, think that we’d be totally unaffected? Mom and Dad have been a mess. I’ve been a mess! Where the hell have you been?”

She sat there frozen with no expression on her face. “I had no clue about you.”

I started sobbing. I whispered, “I miss you, and I love you.”

“It’s time for me to come home, isn’t it?”

“You really have no idea.”

Jena and I hugged like we hadn’t since we were tiny and made up from fighting. Jena hadn’t had the slightest idea how she affected me when she left, and I didn’t know the extent of it, either, until I saw her again. Matt stared again at me with that loveable goofy grin, and I could tell things were going to be ok.

 

Do you know that feeling you get when you’re lying and staring up at the stars? It’s like an ultimate peace telling you that something out there is bigger than you are, and the universe (literally) doesn’t revolve around you; you revolve around it. In a way, it’s very freeing, but at the same time, it scares you to no end because you’re not in control. This is what I felt all the time when Jena was gone, that this was all much too big for me.

School had gotten worse. I had more sleepless nights than ever before; as a result, I was barely passing algebra and biology. Sleepless nights weren’t even avoided by going over to Matt’s anymore because that wasn’t the problem. I missed Jena, and every night, if I fell asleep, it was to the image of pregnant Jena sitting on a sidewalk next to a dumpster.

The more in despair I became, the closer Matt got to me. Withdrawing from any other social life he could have had, he only seemed concerned about my wellbeing. My feelings about this were split. It made me feel guilty because Matt was a very good-looking guy who could have a booming social life at any second he chose. At the same time, he made me feel safe and wanted. As much as Matt was just my friend and solid rock and I said I didn’t care about him having a girlfriend--and maybe at first I didn’t--, right now, I was kind of falling for him.

One day after school, Matt marched into my room and ordered me to sit. “You know what, Jena?” he commanded--not asked.

“What?” I said without feeling.

“It’s time you did something a little crazy and fun. I don’t think I’ve seen you crack a genuine smile since I’ve met you. So tonight you know what we’re going to do?”

“Enlighten me,” I said with mock enthusiasm.

“We are going to take the bus downtown and do something spontaneous. Not sure what, and maybe we won’t be able to get a ticket back, but we will have fun.”

I thought about this and how I would love to sit here and wallow and how I knew I couldn’t do anything but that. “Sorry, Matt, not tonight. I’m really tired, and I don’t think that’d be a good idea.”

“Expecting this response, I’m willing to take you against your will. So what will it be? Will you go quietly?”

“Seriously, too tired. Maybe some other time…AHH!” Matt picked me up, threw me over his shoulder, and with me screaming and kicking, effortlessly walked to the bus stop. I gave up my protest, but still wasn’t having fun.

When we got to the city, my mood lifted. Downtown Chicago was beautiful in the early winter. Amazingly enough, it wasn’t too cold. There was a bit of twinkling snow on the Christmas trees prematurely set up--it was the end of November.  Matt grabbed my hand as we ran off the bus onto the soft ground sprinkled with snow. My heart skipped a beat, and at that moment I felt a little of the numbness that had become a part of me lift. I smiled.

“There it is! That million-dollar smile I’ve been waiting for! I knew you’d love the city,” Matt said.

We walked around looking in department stores with windows set up for Christmas: scenes of Santa’s workshop and Eloise for Christmas. Occasionally, we’d go in a department store trying on hats. Matt seemed to especially enjoy trying on scarves, which made me lose it every time. Eventually, we got a menacing stare from an employee that scared us out. By about ten we were too cold to keep walking around, so we stopped in this hole-in-the-wall kind of restaurant and ordered some burgers.

“So, even though you’re kind of a prisoner held against your will, are you having any fun at all?” Matt questioned.

“As much as I hate to say it, more than I imagined I ever could,” I replied.

He smiled at me, and I had that floating feeling again. All of the sudden conversations of the past flashed through my mind. I remembered: he has a girlfriend. It was like a cold, hard slap in the face, and all the fun that I was having and the relief I felt from the immense sadness disappeared.

I ventured cautiously, “Matt, just wondering: how’s your girlfriend doing? I bet you miss her a lot with the distance. Have you thought of flying out there maybe?” Admitting it out loud hurt even worse.

Matt’s face looked sort of stunned, and this puzzled me. “Um, yeah, she’s doing well…” We sat there in silence for a full minute. Not awkward for me--just agonizing.

“Well, that’s good. What school does she go to there?” I don’t know why I pried deeper when it hurt me like this, but I couldn’t help it.

“You know, the normal school; you wouldn’t know of it.” He said quietly. I could tell he sensed my jealously and that’s why he was playing it cool. He was too nice, too good of a guy. Why did I think I deserved someone like him? Of course he’d have an amazing girlfriend somewhere else, who was prettier….

“OK! The truth is, I don’t have a girlfriend. Man, this is hard to say. And embarrassing. I just don’t understand you. You make me act so weird, Jena. I told you I had a girlfriend because I didn’t want you to think I was such a loner, but the truth is, I’ve never dated anyone. I wanted to impress you.”

Whoa. A wave of relief rolled over me, and I kept going. “Why would you want to impress me? If you haven’t noticed, I’m not exactly the prom queen, and we both know you could snap your fingers and could have a crew of followers at that moment, and how do I make you act weird? Are you calling me weird or something?”

“I’m absolutely not calling you weird! Are you really that clueless? Why do you think I spend as much time with you as I can? Do you think it’s because I like to make fun of you? Jena, I give up. Obviously you don’t feel the same way about me, and you’re never all there. Whenever I talk to you, I can tell you’re thinking of something else. Tonight you seemed different. You were here, and I loved it, but I’m sorry I dragged you out here. Let’s just go”

My heart felt like it was going to explode. “Matt, I think I love you.” Oh my God. I just said that out loud. Well, there went that. Now things could never be back to normal, and for sure I had scared him away. His smile just then was menacing. I couldn’t tell what it meant. And just like that, he grabbed my arm, dragged me outside, and stopped. He was definitely going to make fun of me or something. My heart sunk.

“I love you, too.” He leaned in and kissed me gently as the snow was falling around us.

 

Jena was extremely irritable and in her seventh month. The fighting hadn't ceased. I spent more and more time at Matt's house with each passing day. My parents had stopped questioning me about where I was.

One day, when I got home from school, I came in to find my mom crying at the kitchen table with Dad red-faced at her side. In her hand there was a note with Jena's distinct handwriting:

Dear Mom, Dad, and Linda,

The past months it's become clearer to me that my place in this family was only ever important as my place in honor society. I can't bear to see you look past me again, knowing you're seeing what I could have been. I'm leaving, and Jack's promised to support me in any way he can. Please don't worry about me too much. I just can't be the black sheep of the family anymore. Don't worry about me. I love you, and I'm sorry.

Jena

I just sat at the kitchen table with my parents, looking older than they ever had. No one said a word; only the occasional sob escaped from my mother's throat. That was the first quiet night at my house. Despite this, I didn't sleep at all.

I walked through the school hall like a zombie the next day. Matt glided up to me. Somehow I could tell he knew, and of course he would. He always knew me. He could read me. There in the hallway he held me and I began to shake violently and cry.

A month passed, and now-a-days Matt spent more time at our house. My parents were like the walking dead. They never said a word, and they put up missing person signs with Jena's face on them. No one called us. The police couldn't do anything because she was no longer a minor.

I never knew my sister felt that way, that she would feel so unaccepted by my parents. I couldn't predict that because I thought I was the only one who could ever feel that way. Even after she got pregnant, she was the one who got the attention. Now that she was gone, she still remained the daughter whom her parent's minds were on.

 
The rest of the day was a blur. I kept looking out the window wondering about Matt, and not much else. I walked through the front door into the kitchen. Jena was on the couch with an empty bucket of KFC.
    "Hey Jena, how's it going?"
    "My feet are as big as my head, but I guess it doesn't matter since I won't be able to see them for long."
    "That's the spirit. Keep the positive attitude," I commented back. "Mom or Dad home yet?"
    "No, not 'till five. Hey, Jack's picking me up in an hour. If they're not home tell them I'll be back before eleven."
    "Do you really think that's a good idea?"
    "If you haven't noticed, I don't think there's much more that could 'happen' with me and my boyfriend. Don't worry 'bout it."
     Mom and Dad didn't seem to have the same perspective on this matter, especially since she didn't get home until two a.m.
    "Where were you? You can't just run off like that. You know now you're going to have a child, and need to stop being one. You put another's life in danger whenever you put yours."   
    And so the fighting began. I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep tonight again, despite my extreme tiredness. So I climbed out my window into the night and stood outside on the porch.  I looked over and noticed the For Sale sign on the house across the street had been taken down. I wondered who had bought it or when its demolition date was. I glanced at the downstairs window to the left. It was lit up, and the curtain started moving. A slightly familiar figure emerged and stared at me through the glass. Oh my gosh, it was Matt - who looked just as surprised as I did. He opened up his window and shouted rather loudly for it being two a.m.
     "Makes sense you rebels lurking on street corners at night!" 
     I defended myself a little, "I couldn't sleep so I just wanted to get some fresh air." 
    "Do you live over there?" 
    "Yeah, and I apologize in advance for the noise you'll be hearing." He shouted something back that I couldn't hear. So I went over by his window, and then he came out. Somehow the whole story poured out. My sister's pregnancy, the fighting, and of course, the lack of sleep. It was so weird - I'd never been this comfortable with a guy before and never really talked about my feelings with anyone. Over the next few months we became really close, as friends.  I found out he had a girlfriend, but it really was okay with me. I could tell him everything and he told me all about his life. Late at night when my parents and sister were fighting I would sneak over to his house, and we'd either talk or listen to music, and eventually his mom found out, and at first didn't think it was so innocent, but then she learned that it was and went so far as to keep their guest room bed clear for me. She was really a kind woman, and insisted that Matt and I got our full eight hours. Matt's parents had been divorced since he was eight. His dad was a pilot and apparently this had been one of the reasons they split, because he was never home. I once spilled out that it must have been nice to have quiet and wished my parents didn't live together. He got really quiet and after a while said, "You know, you never really know how much you miss them until you lose them. There's not a day that goes by that I don't miss my dad, or at least the whole idea of having one around." I did think about what he said, but it didn't sink in, until much, much later. What I also didn't appreciate, except at the time was that it's true when they say before things get better, they have to get worse.

    "Linda, Linda, LINDA!  If you weren't planning on being conscious today, why did you even bother coming to class?" yelled Miss Lebarge.
    "Can't work because of those darn child labor laws," I heard myself mumble. 
    "That's it, leave this room and go to the office, I don't want you to return until you get an attitude check." I had done it again, fallen asleep in math, and of course - to top it off - I made a "sassy" comment as my mother would call it.  It's hard to explain to adults sometimes that being a teenager, some comments that are said aloud aren't really meant for them - they only hear them because of our lack of internal monologue and in my case, lack of sleep.  Ever since my sister Jena had become pregnant she hadn't gotten a full night's sleep without having "morning sickness," not properly named if I do say so myself.  Not to mention there seldom was a night that my parents weren't arguing about what childcare the baby would receive, who would take off work, what role the father would play in its life, and yada, yada, yada.  I always wondered what my sister thought about all of this, after all it was her baby and not my parents', even if she was only sixteen.  She seemed so solemn, like a robot. As if she was watching her life as a play, she had no control over it, and couldn't even guess as to where the plot was going.  The only thing she ever talked about anymore was what was on TV, what she guessed her next craving would be.  I'd seen other pregnant girls at our school and they weren't like her.  They seemed like they more so felt now was the time to take their life in their own hands, even if it cut their childhood short.  Of course, in my family my sister was always the perfect straight A, popular, honor student, and ironically enough, so was her boyfriend. 
    I finally got to the office after walking through the empty halls.  It was sort of bizarre to see them without a mass of kids goofing off, making out, or fighting.  Our school's hallways usually overflowed with activity and kids.  Mr. Martinez was waiting for me in the office when I got there. Apparently Miss Lebarge had called down to see I got there to receive my punishment.  Lucky for me, Mr. Martinez was in a good mood, but he also felt like it was necessary to analyze my psychological state. 
    "So Linda, how's life been lately? It's kind of hard to deal with your sister's pregnancy?" Yep, that was Mr. Martinez for you, always blunt.  He had too many kids to deal with to make small talk.  It was actually kind of refreshing.  He let me off with a warning.  I exited his office stage left. Boom!  I fell to the office floor in front of every secretary in the entire school; don't they ever leave for a lunch break?  I had just crashed into this kid wearing a black leather jacket, and was afraid of the warning he'd lash out to me.  Probably something like, "Hey! Watch it freshman, or you'll be sorry."  But amazingly, he didn't. 
    He reached out a hand to me, and said, "Oh geese, sorry about that. Are you okay?"I was shocked in a daze.  I just stared at his green eyes - not the eyes of a bad boy who's out solely to prove he's bad.     
    "Um, yeah I'm fine. That's okay," I smartly replied.  He looked like he was new around here. As many kids as there were, everyone knew what grade you were in, especially if you were a freshmen.  This kid must be new. 
    "So what are you in for?" he asked.
    "Talking back." Yes, I found the words, finally I found the words, even if they were lame. 
    "Oh, so you're one of the troublemakers around here, huh?  Yeah, my parents warned me about people like you," he said with a smile.
    "I guess today I was," I replied. 
    "Well, what's your name, so I know who to avoid around here?"
    "Linda, and yours?"
    "I'm Matt. Well, maybe I'll avoid you around, bye."  A guy, decently good looking, and obviously older than me had behaved like a human being in my presence. Amazing.  Well, wonder if that'll ever happen again in my life.